We've Met Jesus
On Inside-Out Umbrellas

Remember that time you were walking to work in one of those Al Gore storms and your umbrella flipped inside-out, inducing a wild, flailing, mini-panic episode?

Well, that’s never happened to Jesus.  In fact, Jesus’s umbrella also protects against sideways rain without needing to be tilted.

Jesus can wait until he is inside to close his umbrella without getting bad luck.  And so can everyone else, because superstition is stupid.

MIRACLE (no.2) - Instant Wire Untangling

Leave any two wires alone together long enough, and you’ll come back to find them knotted in ways you did not even think were possible.  This even happens to Jesus.

However, what separates him from you and me, is that he can untangle any set of wires with the snap of a finger.  Being that this power upsets the balance of the universe, it is not without penalty.

Every time he snaps the wires free, the next time he is in a hurry, his belt loop will get caught on the door handle.

 

On Subway Turnstiles

When in New York, Jesus has never misfired with his Metro Card and then violently/accidentally rammed his crotch region into the turnstile bar.  His card reads perfectly every time.


On Plastic Forks


You all know it.  That awful moment when you’re at a family party or graduation or something, and you decide to be healthy and help yourself to some salad instead of the heaping mush of way-past-al dente Penne Vodka.  You take a stab at the salad, proud of yourself for making the right choice.  But, low and behold, you forget you’re using a plastic fork, whose naturally enemy is the salad.

If you try to pick up multiple leaves, the fork grabs the puniest little shred and the rest slides off like Teflon.  If you try to pick up a carrot, it parts the middle two prongs apart.  Try an olive you say?  It flies off the plate onto your lap, leaving behind a permanent abstract oil-painting.

What do all of these things have in common?  That’s right.  None of them have happened to Jesus.  His fork pierces carrots with reckless abandon.  He gets a perfect four-stack of leaves every time.  Blueberries? BAM!  One stab and he connects.

BONUS POWER!: Jesus has also never dropped his fork on the floor, or on his lap.  This has added years to his life.

On Coffee


Jesus has never had a burnt cup of coffee.  He does not know the disappointment associated with ordering a coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts or 7-11, expecting a warm cup of inspiration, only to be met with the anti-climactic taste of burnt cookie and cigarette ashes.

What’s better than this, is that Jesus never experiences the jitters or the dreaded caffeine crash.  He coasts gently down into a state of even-keeled, productive clarity - kind of like the feeling one would get if he or she awoke from a 15-minute power nap.

Above all, coffee actually helps Jesus in his efforts to stay regular, rather than inflict the opposite. 

On Internet Security

Jesus always gets the security words in the style above correct on the first try. He does not need audio help, nor does he know what a “captcha” is.  He actually finds that term quite irritating.

Additionally, Jesus has never taken more than three tries at typing in his password and then had his account locked.  He gets infinite tries.  

MIRACLE (no.1) - Toilet Paper Regeneration

This will be the first in a new series of Jesus’s powers entitled “Miracles”.  These are ultra-rare powers that will only be revealed once every few weeks.  They aren’t like the other situations where Jesus just sort of lucks out.  They have no basis in the laws of phsyics, and they usually come with a price tag of his own embarrassment or additional misfortune.

Jesus has never had to go through with the “walk of shame” associated with running out of toilet paper when using the bathroom in someone else’s house.  He is able to regenerate a fresh roll of toilet paper through sheer force of will.  The one drawback when using this power, however, is that he must yell very loudly “haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAHHHH…..ah.”  Quite literally, a loud, escalating “Ha”, followed by a subdued “ah”.

Needless to say, this sort of episode is usually followed by some questioning.  He still hasn’t come up with a passable explanation.

On Hair Clippings

Jesus has never gone for a haircut and then gotten those millions of itchy hair clippings all over his body.  When hair clippings touch Jesus, they evaporate instantly.   Also, there has never been a time when Jesus was shaving his upper lip with an electric razor and then had all those tiny hairs fly up his nostrils causing an untimely sneeze.  They’re directed automatically into the garbage.

On Phantom Vibrations

Jesus has never experienced a phantom vibration in his pocket.  Every time he feels a buzz, it’s for real.  Not only is it for real, but it’s always the text he’s been expecting.  Not once has the vibration been attributable to a mass Facebook event invite to support someone he’s met only one time ever.

On Internet Browser Problems

Jesus has never accidentally closed out of the internet browser window he wanted while trying to X out of a pop up.  He’s also never clicked on the fake X on a pop up that gives you spyware when you click on it.

Whenever Jesus presses backspace, it never causes him to go back a page.  The computer always knows that he just wants to delete a letter.

When making a typo upon entering a URL address, i.e. “www.facebok.com”, Jesus is never mercilessly brought to one of those bizarro spyware sites that tries to sell him diet pills and debt consolidation at the same time.  Instead, he is politely redirected to the site he was intending on visiting.

Jesus never has to “enable cookies”. 

Once, Jesus actually won the contest prize a pop up ad promised and they had to give him a free I-Pad.